Do you think you are a perfectionist?
At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about a fear; fear of making a mistake, fear of disappointing others, fear of failure, fear of success.
Micheal Law
Are you someone who identifies as a perfectionist? Is life one long quest for the eternally illusive idea of ‘perfection’? It feels a bit like being on an exhausting hamster wheel doesn’t it? (I’ve been there!) It also contributes to a sense of boom or bust too, the idea that things are either perfect or imperfect and there’s no scope for the wonderful world of in between. Living like that is a pretty precarious place to be, as by definition things are either good (boom) or bad (bust). It really doesn’t leave much wiggle room for simply being and appreciating where you are, right here, right now.
Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate.
Maria Shriver
Having a perfectionist mind set is a mindset fuelled by fear. It really is ironic isn’t it? The idea that striving for things to be perfect actually fuels the feeling of not being because there is fundamentally a strong sense of ‘lack of’ attached to it.
I recently listened to an episode of Liz Earle’s Wellbeing podcast with guest Thomas Curran, Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychological and Behavioural Science at the London School of Economics who has written a new book called The Perfection Trap; looking at the negative impact the concept of ‘perfectionism’ can have on our health and wellbeing. It’s a really good episode and well worth a listen.
Thomas states there is a worrying trend that perfectionism is rising for everyone overtime – which is paradoxically having a negative impact on our performance and leading to burnout and mental health issues like anxiety and depression. It has become a cultural obsession, where a fear of exposing ourselves as not being perfect and incompetent is truly overshadowing what it actually means to be human and to live life.
He talks about three different faces or core dimensions to perfectionism:
Self orientated - coming from our internal self
Socially prescribed - expectations and norms prescribed by our external environment
Turning outwards - expecting others to live up to the ideal of perfection
Over to you! Ask yourself the question - Is being a perfectionist (actually) enhancing my life? Be truly honest with your answer, take the time to really delve into what comes up for you. Write it down and look at it on the page. It might be a useful exercise to literally brain dump everything that comes to you; once you engage with the activity you’ll be quite surprised as to what emerges. Which of the three different dimensions of perfectionism are most dominant and do they overlap? Why do you think this is? Get really curious!
Tapping into your own internal ‘growth’ rather than the need to be outwardly ‘perfect’ is a really impactful perspective shift; focusing instead on your personal motivations and values rather than external shoulds and expectations. Your journey is unique and cannot be measured or compared to anyone else. When you can truly connect with that, life feels very different and much more enjoyable!
When you feel you have finished the activity (we are not looking for perfection here!), take a good look at what you have written. Have a think about the impact this has on your overall experience of life. Is it useful in any way?
If the answer is NO! And this notion of being a ‘perfectionist’ resonates with you, let’s connect and have a chat… it’s time to let go of the struggle.
Connect with me at www.laurenjanecoaching.com
Liz Earle Podcast with guest Thomas Curran - Why We Need To Stop Being Perfect