How can I make changes?
It’s a big question isn’t it? Yup. You know what you want to change but you just can’t make it happen. You’ve tried over and over again, left feeling utterly frustrated and deflated and nowhere further forward so you give up. You take time to wallow in your own self pity for a while, build up the strength or need to try again and are quickly met with yet another dose of failure. Same old story and same old loop. We’ve all been there.
‘How To Change - The Science of Getting Where You Want to Be’ written by Katy Milkman is such a refreshingly simple and strategic book that cuts through all of the above and lays it out straight. I was hooked from the start and was in true fangirl mode by the end. Katy takes you through the journey of our most common barriers to change; impulsivity, procrastination and forgetfulness and advocates for tailored evidence based strategies being the key to effecting lasting, positive change and behaviours. One thing I really loved about the book was the emphasis on any strategies or action being tailored and specific for an individual. We are all so unique and different and that is actually our strength — we need to take the time and have the confidence to understand ourselves first and tune in properly to be able to harness it.
Habits we want to change
Habits are the behaviours and routines we’ve repeatedly done, consciously or subconsciously, so many times that they’ve become automatic. Neuroscience shows that as habits develop, we rely less and less on the parts of the brain that are used for reasoning, and more and more on the parts that are responsible for action. So, for example driving a car becomes second nature, as does making your cup of tea or brushing your teeth.
The key to change is getting to a place where you don’t even need to think about making the wrong decision or choice. It literally becomes second nature where you no longer need to expel any mental energy trying to figure it out.
The power of a fresh start
Fresh starts are really helpful for kick starting change and can be a great disruptor to our normal routines. How often have you said to yourself that you’ll start on Monday or in the new year? Fresh starts can give you the impetus to get going, to light the fuse with the anticipation of keeping going and reaching your goal. However, it often takes multiple attempts to go on to achieve said goal, or you find yourself stopping completely once the novelty has worn off. Anyone seeking to maintain good habits should be aware that…
Our obstacles need tailored solutions and goals
Katy says that not only do the obstacles that you face require tailored solutions; you need tailored goals that acknowledge and match your strengths and weaknesses. Pain points are different for every person — a goal that feels like a chore for one person can be a pleasure for someone else. Throughout the book she describes the spoonful of sugar approach — how can you sweeten the deal? What can you sprinkle over the action required to make it much more palatable and enjoyable?
A spoonful of sugar
We often rely on will power alone to resist temptation but research has proven time and again that it isn’t enough. We’re better off figuring out how to make good behaviours more gratifying in the short term. The big pay off and the end goal is just to far in the future to keep us motivated. What Katy describes as the ‘Mary Poppins’ approach takes the fun that might typically distract us from our goals and uses it to transform an obstacle into enticement — suddenly we find ourselves actually wanting to go to the gym, focus at work, eat healthier etc.
Keeping it simple and specific
If you can identify with the outcome you desire really clearly; you become more invested in the purpose and values attached to it. Over planning to reach a goal can end up tying you in knots and having a counter productive effect. The complexity can be stifling and lead us into procrastination territory. Always come back to basics and take the next small step. Any momentum in the right direction helps to keep you on the path, even when you feel like doing the opposite!
Maintaining progress
We are all great at setting goals and starting the action required to achieve them. However, it’s the maintenance and consistency that poses a problem. If it’s a particularly important yet stubborn goal, it’s likely to be harder to accomplish. In order to fully embody and achieve what you want to, it’s going to require sustained effort, habits and behaviours. It’s not a weekly or monthly thing, it’s a year on year thing, or at least until you no longer want to achieve whatever it is you set out to achieve in the first place. Realising this from the outset is a useful tool, knowing that it’s not a quick fix but more of a longer term process.
Taking your own advice
Have you ever said to yourself — ‘If only I could take my own advice!’? My hand is up. Almost everyone knows what to do to overcome what’s getting in their own way; they just aren’t acting on it. Often, it’s not a lack of expertise or knowledge that is the obstacle, it’s lack of innate confidence and seemingly immoveable self doubt. It manifests in a person’s confidence in having the ability to control their own behaviour and motivation. What advice would you give a friend or a colleague in the same situation? If you could break it down into actionable steps what would that look like?
Coping with curveballs
The most versatile and robust habits are formed when we train ourselves to make the best decision, no matter the circumstances. It’s about choosing the better option over an alternative even when things get difficult or tricky, as let’s face it, life is certainly not linear and there are often bumps in the road that can throw us off course. Having your motivation securely grounded helps to keep you on track and flexible even when it feels hard and you’re up against it.
The ‘eureka’ moment
We have to acknowledge that, much of the time, it’s not conveniently the case that we love doing what is good for us. So, imagine getting to a place where you don’t even need to think about making the wrong decision or the wrong choice. For a good habit to become fully ingrained successfully in your life — it means that these decisions come without any thought at all. That’s when momentum builds, as does your confidence to be able to achieve an outcome or a goal. It becomes the path of least resistance, the path of ease, it’s rewarding and it feel good!
If this resonates with you and you’d like to explore making changes for yourself and getting out of your own way, let’s connect.
